Once I was very much in love. "Very much" is nonsensical though, since when you are in love, that's it. It is out of the quantifiable realm. And now, "once" and "was" also seem wrong to me, because there is no time there, in that dimension. Once you see that dimension, you cannot unsee it. It is part of your world, now and forever. It's an act, not related to a subject. It's awesome.
So, these were the last words he said to me: "Wait Aysegul. Wait for the goat to gander. Whatever gander means."
I laughed. It was a good joke. But today, out of nowhere, I started to really think on it, to think why I laughed so hard when the situation was so dreary. So here I go.
It was funny because... it skillfully pointed out something. Something very fundamental. The impossibility. The impossibility for the goat to gander because there is no such thing as gander. I know there is such a word. It probably means something. However, the "whatever gander means" that comes right after it negates the existence of "gander" itself since words don't really exist out in the nature. They are made up by us to point to things, feelings, situations, etc. When you don't know - or really don't care about - the meaning and when you use it in a context that requires you to know the meaning (I mean when you wait for something to happen, you have to recognize it when it happens to end the wait), what you are trying to point out is exactly "impossibility" itself.
I just realized this. A few moments ago. And I laughed even harder. Because what I realized was even funnier: I was actually waiting. Actually.
I was waiting... for an impossibility to occur. Yes. This is like waiting for a bus that would never come. No, no. It's more like waiting for a bus when there is no such thing as a bus. There aren't even vehicles. No such actuality. But you wait anyway. You can't even understand, let alone explain what you are doing because there is no such concept, even in your mind.
This strikes me as the most fundamental basis in life, of life. Like when we say "in life" it sounds like there is such a thing, place, whatever "out life." Isn't it funny? How can you even think "out life?" Yet, we talk like this.
Now, we have come to the most important point I want to make if I can manage.
According to scientific thinking, life emerged at some point in time. I mean organic life, of course, since universe has a life much larger than organic life. And even universe came to being at some point where there was no time. Before that, it didn't exist. It came out of nothing. Isn't this an impossibility itself?
The true nature of life is impossible. That is what I am trying to say without going into complicated philosophical concepts, and also I can't go into them even if I wanted to, since I forgot it all - after years of reading - to do me, to hand it to whatever I am... So, waiting for what you don't know, what you can't recognize even if you see it, which was my case in this scenario, is existence itself. I am not making this up. It is logically obvious.
Here, I found another support for my fight against the disease of nihilism. Nihilism consists of a very consistent and even more distorted way of being. I don't say "seeing the world" anymore because it sounds like a perspective, and perspective is understood as something harmless. No. It harms not only the diseased, but everybody coming into contact with him/her.
This guy embodied nihilism - for me. Maybe that's why I was so attracted to him. I wanted to understand my enemy at its source to be able to fight it better. He was walking-death, and I must say this as well: death has many faces as we all know, this one was cheerful, don't be fooled, don't confuse it with joy, it's not joy. What he said - what he thought he was saying - with the goat and gander was the manifesto of death. However it was a scam, just like death is. And I felt very proud when I exposed it for what it was: just another confirmation of life. That's how I managed, once more, in my own way, to weaponize death against itself (for more on this subject, see Deleuze&Guattari).
So, waiting for the goat to gander is the joyful truth of life. Although I don't like using the word "truth" at all, now is the time. It's joyful. I like it when the "truth" is joyful because it is true only when it's joyful.
I will always be waiting for the goat to gander. And I will do it joyfully - preferably with a whip, just in case... That's the beauty of impossibility that is life.
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